Human beings are social animals. We were meant, as were our chimpanzee cousins, to live in social groups. Historically these were groups of a few extended families. Within these groups there was and still is today, a struggle for dominance and upward movement in the hierarchy.
This leads to comparisons within the group, and also, self-comparing to others and a mental image we have of ourselves. This is all perfectly natural. However it can get out of hand and become a problem, This is most noticeable in our teens and early twenties when were are competing with our peer group for potential mating partners. Adolescents are generally unsure of their position in the group and in their own merits.
This leads to negative self-comparison. We compare ourselves to others and to an idealized internal image of who we are and who we should be. These comparisons are almost always negative because we tend to denigrate our own merits and achievements and exaggerate those of others in our peer group. This is known as “comparing our blooper reel to their highlight reel.” We also compare ourselves to an ideal of who we think we should be and this is negative too. Why? Because reality can never live up to the ideal. Never.
So, what to do?
- Recognize that comparing yourself to others is a bad habit: Negative self-evaluation is a habit. It is a bad habit which should and can be broken. It is a repetitive pattern of thought. Recognize the thought and reject it. We do not have to believe our thoughts. They are often quite wrong.
- Realize that everybody is unique: Forget Hollywood. Forget advertising. Forget all of those tall leggy blondes or buff guys with five o'clock shadows and six packs. People are different. Most of those people don’t look like that sitting in front of the TV in their sweats on their day off. Ideals are by their very definition unreal.
- Do not be afraid to be yourself: Seriously, you are you. You have walked a long road to get here. You change every second. You have good qualities and bad qualities. Everybody does. Self-comparison is useful at times for helping us to achieve goals but when it leads to sadness, fear, worry, and self-hatred then it is the self-comparison which is the problem, not your perceived flaws.
- Maintain a Positive Mental Attitude: Use positive self-talking, affirmations and visualizing yourself as a happy, actualized and self-accepting human being. Your negative self-images and negative self-talking simply make you miserable and do nothing to improve you.
- Follow your own path: You walk your own path. You have no need to conform to anybody else’s expectations or demands. Love yourself for who you are. You deserve love, acceptance, and respect and do not accept anything less. Likewise, you do not need to control anybody else.
Flow like the river. Accept, respect and love yourself. If you do not then who will?
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
— Theodore Roosevelt